somtimes i feel like sandra bullock in miss congeniality, but only when she was the awkward FBI agent and not the gorgeous pageant contestant

You know what I don't understand, can't wrap my mind around, what does not compute? Is how some women are able to be vigilant and constantly remain in a well groomed and put together manner. How the fuck do y'all pull it off? And you know who I'm talking about, you've seen her. She's always wearing clothes that match, is perfectly waxed, plucked, groomed, coiffed, make-uped, her hands and feet look like porcelain and feel like a baby's bootay-tay, her teeth are so god damn white when she smiles you think the aliens are finally using their lasers to kill us all, she never has bags under her eyes or bed head or last night's dinner stuck to her face, there are no soup stains on her shirt or holes in her sweater and you'd probably shit a brick if you ever saw her pull the sniff test on an item of clothing because she wasn't sure when she last wore OR washed it.

Yes, I'm talking about that woman. How does she do it? I'm lucky if I remember to brush my teeth and put on pants in the morning.  And by the time I've worked all day and gone to the gym, it takes every last ounce of energy to shove some mediocre food down my gullet and then stand in the shower hoping that the magic water will wash the germs away because I can't get my arms to function enough to actually scrub myself.  Then there's the blow drying and straightening of my fro', which really adds up to me standing with some sort of appliance in my hand wishing at that moment that I had no fucking hair and eventually giving up when it's still a damp, wavy mess, which only means that when I wake up it'll be plastered to my head and then I'll have to waste precious moments in the morning attempting to fix it.....before throwing it in a ponytail.

Where do they find the energy? The motivation? The gumption to pull it all together? This has to be one of the mysteries of the universe. And there are women of all ages, shapes and sizes that manage to do this. Believe me, I'm not kidding myself in imagining I will ever be capable of this miracle, I'd just like to be in on the damn secret. Because, come on, we all know that the day I can pull my neurotic self together this much means that either the apocalypse has arrived or my cat has murdered me in my sleep and it's just a dream.  I imagine my ghost self will be impeccable. Do you know someone like this? Or maybe you are this person. Either way, you should share your insights with me because I'm completely OCD and want to know dammit!

Since I don't have the skill of being well groomed, you'd think it meant I didn't have skills to do anything else. Which is entirely untrue. I have some time and skills but what I really lack is the motivation to do these things. However, things that allow me to watch back to back episodes of the Deadliest Catch on Netflix while sitting on my ass are perfect alternatives to all the aforementioned things I could be doing. This boils down to crafting, because my living room/couch always turn into a crafting bonanza. I'm currently working on getting a shop up on my blog for all those interested in purchasing any of my brightly colored things that I make. Go ahead, look at the links on the top of the page.....see it? That dark menu bar at the top right where you can see the "blog" page is highlighted? Well if you click on the shop page, you'll get a page under construction, but it's coming, I assure you. And once it's up you should totally spread the word because this home girl needs to start her grad school fund. I intend to pay for my degree by peddling yarn and paper creations, it's a beautiful thing. And to show you that getting this shop up and running is a whole-house effort, I give you Heimlich's efforts, he works so hard for y'all.


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