All I need is a bottle of vodka and some Celine Dion

Bridget Jones had it right when she asked what's worse than a smug married couple and answered herself with "Lots of smug married couples!" Because I totally felt like her last night. Except there was no Mark Darcy there to tell me he liked me just as I am. Ok, so it wasn't a horrible evening, but it was a tad on the awkward side, especially when the server came by to wrap things up.

Server: Ok everyone, now do we want these on separate checks or one check?
All: Separate.
Server: Sure thing, lets just see how we're going to split this up.
My sister: Well, we'll be on one together (indicating her and my brother-in-law)
Server: Oh, ok! Just split it up by couples then?
Me: Yeah, just split it up by couples!
My sister: You can just put his meal on her tab (points to the empty chair next to me)
Server: Um... ok...
My sister: He's a cheap date at least!

All of them can suck it. I like being single except in moments like that. One of the gal's husbands is an agriculture man and so as we're leaving my brother-in-law mentions how people in farming talk funny. My sister replies with "Yeah, it's like they speak vegetable ebonics!" and then we laughed ourselves into several asthma attacks.

I had some trail mix earlier today (yummy yummy roasted peanuts, raisins, almonds and walnuts!) and I thought I dropped a peanut but couldn't find it. So I go about my business and about an hour or so later I go to the restroom and when I look in the mirror I about have a heart attack because it looks like a third nipple sprouted up near the top of my boob! I poke at it and realize it's the mystery peanut caught between my shirt and tank top. Which is kind of awesome because that means that every person I walked by in the previous hour or so either though I had some weird lumpy mutation or that I was really cold and something wasn't right with that boob. Nice.

In other news, I may have clotheslined myself on my purse strap again only it was the strap of a different purse. Traitorous bastard.


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