That way I can never make you feel inferior, because I'm totally more deranged than you are.

How'd your hump day go? Mine went a little like this.

4:50 am - wake up call.
5:45 am - begin search for keys because not where they should be and need to leave to get to work.
5:50 am - find keys hanging in front door, where they clearly sat all night. brilliant.
6:00 am - get to work and tackle immense stack of form filing, that concluded in me get several bloody and painful cut hangnails from all the paper. lovely.
8:45 am - leave work after fielding 4 phone calls in the 5 minutes I was trying to leave my desk, and head to Fresno for class.
9:15 - hear it announced on the radio that Dane Cook is coming to Fresno.. SWEET! On 10/23, fuuuuuuck. I'll be in Arizona.
10:00 - sit through seriously boring Biochem lecture (I feel like I'm learning the same shit over and over and over again, enough already, let's get something new up in this place we call Biology!)
11:00 - sit through even more boring and pointless Swine Production lecture .... on ear notching.
12:00 - enjoy quiet lunch, whilst sweating to death because it's fucking ridiculously hot outside.
1:00 - sit through Beef Production video, zzzzzzzzzzz.
2:00 - Beef Production lab... watched 2 more videos. ugggh.
3:00 - FREEDOM! until 6.
6:00 - sit through almost 2 hours of the most ridiculous Information Systems class where we're learning what computers are and how to use them! HAHAHAHAH, this is so retarded I don't even think it warrants any more comments.
9:15 - finally make it home, where I do NOT leave the keys in the door and promptly make a large beverage... containing lots of rum.

Now that might not sound like such a difficult day or crappy day, until you factor in that I also realized half way through the day that I had fucking PINK shit all over my jeans. Hmm... where could that come from? Possibly from the rug washing incident. Fuck me. Really.

Ok, so people tend to tell me, often, "Gosh, you're so mean, hahaha!" or something along those lines because they don't understand sarcasm or witty banter. But then that got me thinking, maybe I am mean? Or am I really what I call just brutally honest? If you look dumb, I'll tell you so. If that is a stupid thing to say or do, I'll tell you so. But what's important in this lesson is also this, I AM THE MOST SOCIALLY AWKWARD PERSON EVER. Got it? good. So if I'm being "mean" to you, really, you have nothing to worry about because guaranteed if you hang around me a bit longer, I'll put my foot in my mouth, or fall and hurt myself or generally just do a really dumb thing, so see, we're all kindred spirits here. I'm just more vocal. So please stop telling me these things because after years of trying to change, it just ain't going to happen. You know how they say you can stick feathers up your butt, but that still doesn't make you a chicken? Well I can pretend to be nice all I want, but that doesn't make me not a bitch. In light of that, here is an amazing sticker I saw awhile back on my way to the gym.

Just don't do it.

The verdict came in, apparently my boobs can save the world

Wow, seriously, insomnia, you fucking blow. I haven't had a decent nights sleep since sometime last week and frankly, it's getting real old real quick. But whatever, such is my life.

As you can tell by the previous post, if you have no idea what I mean, check out a little ode to Billy Madison right here. Anyways, the semester has started and while I do not fear my classes being difficult because honestly nothing in this world can be as difficult as taking (and passing thankyouverymuch) Organic Chemistry and Physics at the same time, I fear them taking up WAY too much of my already limited time. Of course it's my own dumbass fault for taking 19 credits, which if read properly says "Anna is a complete dip shit". Read it again, I swear. So it's likely I won't be able to go back to working weekends at the zoo, which makes me even more sad because I love going to that place, despite not being able to sleep in, because it's the only opportunity I have around here to be around the kind of animals I want to work with. BIGFATSIGH. Bah.

ANYWAYS, the reason this started off talking abooot my inability to sleep and thus function as a semi-normal person, is to say that because of it, I had to hit up starbucks today around 8:30 (mind you I was at work at 6:00). Frap in hand, I'm at the stoplight to head back to work and this huge bread truck is turning through the intersection.... so I wait... and he stares at me... and I wait some more... and he keeps staring (which is really unnerving, I thought maybe I had a giant boogey hanging out but then realized he probably couldn't see THAT well into my car) until he realizes that, oh holy fuckballs, he's about to hit the median. HAHAHA, I laughed so hard I cried. It was kind of amazing. Alexis told me I should have flashed him so that he would have knocked the truck over, thus spilling bread onto the street and feeding all the starving children around. So apparently, by showing my boobs, I can fill the bellies of needy children. Why wasn't this newsflash sent out sooner? Or maybe that's what all the guys with "show your tits" written on paperplates are trying to do at the coast? naaaaaaah.

Today was my first day out at the swine unit and the moment I told Katie that she goes "Oh, that reminds me of that one security camera story..." to which I laughed and said "The pig fucker!" If I've never told you this story, where've you been? It's gross and funny and disturbing all at the same time. Kind of like me... I mean...

Updated (with all new A/V aid): And so it begins

Today I am reminde of Adam Sandler's "Back to School" song in Billy Madison. Perhpas I'll find a video of it later. But needless to say I packed my lunch, went to work from 6-9, commuted to school and have been in and out of class since 10. Ah, the joys of academia.

As promised, HERE is the video. Enjoy.

Ooohhhh No!

Best. Commercial. Ever.

HERE.

Check it out, it's freaking great.

Apart from a classic list this post really has no significance to anyone but me I guess, and even then it's mostly pointless thoughts and complaints.

Here's a few things that are NOT ok:

1. Pay $400 for 3 text books. I'm still feel a little raped by the bookstore on that one. Curses to being in such an expensive major.

2. Wearing spanky shorts in public. I'm sorry girl in the cashiers lobby, I don't care what you look like or if your coming/going to volleyball practice or something, this is simply NOT ok. No one needs to see that, really, no one.

3. Having ONE mother effing class on Fridays, one, so I have to drive 40 minutes for a 50 minute class and then drive BACK 40 minutes to go back to work.

4. Getting paid once a month and this month having 5 weekends. This is not cool.

Annnnd that's all I've got on that topic right now. Semester starts again on Monday and I'm not really ready for it, surprise surprise.

The rest of this probably will lack it's usual snarkiness, so if that's what you're looking for you should go read about how I'm totally not suitable for parent hood or about my total Bridget Jones experience.

So I was talking to a friend the other day, a newer friend who doesn't know all of the in's and out's of my past yet. And she asked me where my dad was and that's when I realized I hadn't mentioned that he passed away when I was young. Which then made me realize that wow, I haven't really talked about him to my friends in awhile. That's not to say I don't think of him still or miss him when I do or wonder really, what he'd think of me and where I am in life. Would he be proud? Happy? Disappointed? I mean, I'll never know and perhaps that's the hardest part. This is totally pointless thinking but basically it means that even though he's been gone for just over 14 years, the questions still never go completely away.

Also, I've been totally panicking these days because I have around about 3 semesters left before grad/vet school but I have SO much to do before I can even apply still that I just don't know how it's all going to get done and that scares me even more because if I can't even freaking apply then it'll just be one more setback in a multitude of set-backs and that totally blows and kind of screws things up for me and my plans. Phew, yeah, I know.

So now that that's all out there in the open, I'm going to continue to lay in bed for a bit watching Cheaper by Dozen on tv b/c this movie makes me laugh and then I'm going to take a shower and go out into the real world to see the fam.

Shalom.

If they ever gave me a kid it be that whole "A dingo ate my baby" thing all over again

This is to all of you who ask me "Why don't you want kids?" "You'd be a great mom!" "Kids are fantastic!" etc, etc.

I would make a terrible mother. Not only did I not come home all day until 9:00 pm after leaving at like 7:30 this morning, but I also forgot to turn the air on so it was like an oven in my house and I basically tried to roast my poor 4-legged son. He was none to happy with me when I got home. It's like I stuck a baby in an oven and left it on broil all day. I'd leave the kid in the car without cracking the windows and forget until several hours later. I know, I'd call CPS on me too, which is why we'll just avoid that situation all together.

Also, kids say totally embarrassing things like the Garrett, my basically little brother, who is 2 years old. I was at my mom's and went to the restroom and I hear this:

Garrett: Where's Nana?
My mom: She's in the potty.
*BANG BANG BANG* on the bathroom door.
Door opened.
Garrett: Hi Nana.
Me: Hi buddy.
Garrett: What are you doing?
Me: Going potty. What are you, the bathroom monitor.
Take two steps into the living room.
Garrett: You go poop?

Uh, huh? No, no buddy I did not.

I need a disclaimer tattooed to my forehead: Not kid friendly (exceptions can be made)

(because despite his poop remark, he's still the cutest kid around)

A lesson learned and it only cost me $4.99 plus tax to fix

Apparently, you're actually supposed to READ the tags attached to things to find out how to properly clean them. Note here how this one says "Spot Clean Only"....


Which would be why, when I put it in the washer it you know, BLED all over everything else in there. After 3 washes it looked a bit like this...

Note the bright white looking rug, which would be the new one I purchased at Target today.

Well played rug, well played.

The Happening is on HBO and man, ok, seriously, if only I'd have had a teacher that looked like Mr. Marky Mark, DAMN Gina, damn. Now I'm off to the grocery store, I have a hankering to do some yummy dinner cooking and maybe some dessert baking. Time to put this new cookbook to use!

Unless you truly WANT to pay a surgeon for my eye replacement surgery or for the ambulance ride when I pass out.

Dear fellow gym members:

The following list is not to necessarily be seen as demands, but really, they are to be seen as well, stern suggestions that upon non-compliance could result in bodily harm against you.

Firstly, I understand a locker room is meant for changing and various other purposes. But, for the sanctity of ALL that is freaking holy, please wear some underwear that are not so entirely dingy white and threadbare that I can literally see your butt and butt crack. The economy is bad, but not that bad. If I see this again I may scratch out my eyeballs and running shrieking from the room continue to gag in silence. ALSO, whilst mid-change, you are no longer allowed to pick at whatever god-forsaken thing, bite, bump, etc that has manifested. It's gross and no one needs to see that, honestly.

One should know that when frequenting the gym, strenuous exercise is in store and in preparation for this one should wear god damn deodorant. Because, when you don't, and you get on a machine next to me, and your wretched left out in the sun onion smell wafts up into my nose while I'm working out, it causes me to gag and choke and want to cut my workout short so that I may breathe untainted air. Really, not cool.

Just a few tidbits, so lets work on these, mmkay? That way we can all have a pleasant, sweaty experience.

Your fellow gym user,

ab

Now, in other news, I totally got stuck by 3-mother-fucking trains today. Three. THREE. Why must this town be split in two by the railroad tracks. And why must there always be a train when I need to get to the other side of town. And WHY must I always get caught when there are two trains passing each other going at a snails pace. Why? Because I suck, that's why.

Bring on some Tudors, I need to soothe myself with some half-naked Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and cheerful British accents.

Let's not see round 5 mmkay pumkin?

Round Four: Anna vs AT&T
Total Duration: 00:34:42 (of my life that I will never get back)
Issues: Transfered only once (thankfully), 3 way called (weird), HORRIFIC mouth breather.
Result: So far internet working (apparently they are completely MORONIC and allowed me to sign up for the fastest service when I can't actually get it b/c I'm too far from their base blah blah blabbity freaking blah. Basically, downgraded service is supposed to fix my issues). Generally after I call it works for like a day or two, so we shall wait and see...

The other day on my way to work I saw this girl... standing in the median... wearing camo pants, like literally, she was a floating torso, it was insane. Anyways, clearly she's trying to cross the street CLEARLY, but she's kind of crouched down and looks like she's about to use some highly skilled military maneuvers to make it across the street. She was using those shrubs as cover and waiting for the right moment to make her move. Well played floating torso lady, well played.

Um, that's all I've got, other than this week is pretty much going to blow. The funny bone is missing tonight, all I've got is this pile-o-self-pity. Damn.

I am Jack's insomnia

Points of fact:

1. People in this town cannot drive.

2. Do NOT yell at me when you turned in front of me to go the opposite direction and apparently felt like I needed to slow down so you could in fact go into the other lane of traffic. Your stupidity is not my fault.

3. Carmel Fraps are the gift from the gods.

4. My cat is going to be hairless pretty soon if he doesn't let me get some sleep.

5. AT&T is going to either a.) get some strongly worded letters and phone calls b.) lose a customer or c.) both, if this internet situation at my place is not resolved. soon.

6. I'm already so stressed out about this semester and it hasn't even started yet that it's ridiculous.

7. I haven't been to the gym in several days and it's kind of killing me a little on the inside.

8. The fact that my car tags went up 60 bucks chaps my ass so bad, I don't even have words to describe it.

9. Jean shopping is the worst thing on the planet.

10. I feel worse about item #7 considering the volume of Superior's Cookies ice cream I ate last night to help calm the stress.

There is this drawing at work, that has been driving me kind of crazy with hilarity for basically the entire time I've been back, so about 2 months. Take a gander.

Did you take a good long gander??? Now, my friends, what the hell does that look like to you?! Yes, yes, it's ok you can admit it. It looks like a cooter-pooter. A Vag. A whatever you want to call it, THAT is what I see everytime I walk through the reception area. A freaking vagina. And I'm not the only one who thinks this thankyouverymuch.

Now I'm going to go drink some more caffeine, pop an ibuprofen, crawl under my desk and curl up in the fetal position. Don't mind the whimpering.

Houston, we had a problem, you did nothing to fix it, so thankfully I'm brilliant and did it my own damn self

As promised... No Doubt vids! Uh, yeah, I know it kind of took forever, but blame that on my rondoness for not checking to make sure that all the chords and shit to my internet were working properly and could be what was interfering with my ability to use said internet AT&T not sending me new shit when I reconnected my internet. I think all is well with it now, but only time will tell I suppose. Hmm..

There's more stuff I'm sure I could say or whatever, but it's like past 10:30 and this Cinderella is going to turn into a pumpkin if she doesn't get to bed soon, either that or I'm going to stab the first person I see in the morning because I'll be that cranky unpleasant tired happy to be awake bright and early on a Monday morning.

Thank god for caffeine.

Oh, and this weekend was the first time I've let the cat out side since we moved to the new place and it seems to be going alright. He came back, which is a testament to his character that he actually came back to live with me when he had the choice to run. I'm not sure he digs the new neighborhood though because he's inside, passed out on the bed again after only being outside for a couple hours. Or I'm that entertaining. Nah..