22.9.09

Insightfulness? From me? Better run.

I know, I know, it's been like 2 weeks since I posted, but life as a working student = craptacularly busy. Speaking of, I'm off to do some Beef Production homework (oh yeah, you can be jealous) so here's a post I've been working on for awhile and wasn't sure I was ever going to put up because it's fairly personal and not my usual tone, but what the hell, I don't have time to do anything else and I don't want to get yelled at for not posting so here you go. If you don't want to read something that's not my usual snarkiness, then go here and reread how I'm like a new age Bridget Jones or you can go here and check out the awesome Bloggess and how she found the miracle boobie-mushroom.

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I've freaking had it. I am so sick and tired of being judge by people who don't even know me. Can you look at me and tell what kind of person I am? No. Can you look at me and see what I've been through or am currently going through? No. So stop fucking judging.

You can't tell by looking at me that my father committed suicide when I was 10.
You can't tell that I'm afraid of spiders.
You can't tell that my relationship with my family isn't perfect even though I love them to death.
You can't tell that I've never really felt like I've fit in anywhere.
You can't tell that I'm desperately afraid of falling below the expectations others have of me.

And on and on. There are so many things about a person that are not reflected in their appearance or their actions (though I believe actions speak loudly to a persons character) that it is impossible to look at them and say you know them. Then why on earth is our society so fucked that it places so much importance on the exterior package? I've been called everything you can think of and the biggest one is intimidating. Why? Because I'm quiet when you first meet me? Because I look like a bitch? I just don't understand these things. Or because I'm a reasonably well adjusted, fairly successful female individual who is intelligent and doesn't take your shit? If that makes me intimidating, so be it.

I won't lie and say that I haven't given in to the pressures of our society to fit a mold that is impossible. I've spent the past 3ish years working on my physical appearance, and while I am still working on this issue and have done so to be healthier and feel better about myself, I would be lying if I didn't say that societal pressures helped fuel the need to change. Here are two pictures, the first taken in September of 2006, the second in May of 2009.



















Big difference? Try about 75 pounds. Am I proud of this? HELL YES! That's several years of blood, sweat, tears, and many a painful sore day of waking up after a brutal day at the gym. But do I feel satisfied? Like I've done enough and now I just need to maintain a healthy lifestyle? No. And why? Because it still doesn't feel like enough. It still doesn't feel like I "fit in". I've spent the majority of my life not fitting in and generally, it doesn't matter. I've always been an oddball, in fact it's kind of part of my charm, but when it comes to people judging you, we all have insecurities because the world tells us that if we don't fit the norm, if we don't blend in with society, then we will not be as likely to succeed. Do I believe this in my heart of hearts? No. Because dammit if I spend 10 years in college and get multiple degrees and can't be successful because I'd rather live and eat icecream and cheeseburgers than have an eating disorder, then something is so fucked up with that I can't even wrap my mind around it.

There is a fantastic book (that kind of has nothing to do with this, but maybe a little) called Frenemies by Megan Crane, and the following is a passage that I think is fantastic and can probably describe almost every woman out there.
I had great plans to surgically excise the quaking, complaining teenager within someday. If I could just get rid of her and her thousands upon thousands of issues - Do I look fat? Am I ugly? Will anyone ever love me? Will I always be alone? Is she fatter than me? How ugly am I? Are they making fun of me? - I was convinced I would immediately become the sort of casual and laid back adult person who was forever smiling and was genuinely unconcerned with the size and/or shape of her body.
I wasn't holding my breath.
We are all insecure, unsure and a little afraid of what we can't see. So why do we spend all of time making each other feel like crap? Yes, I am perfectly aware that I am a snarky beetoch, who makes fun of people incessantly and uses sarcasm like it is my first language, but in all actuality I can't say I'd ever want to intentionally make someone question who they are by the words I use. So you there, who think you know me because of what you see, you're wrong. You might be able to see the bags under my eyes from working 36 hours a week and taking 19 units while trying to fulfill family and friend obligations, but you can't see the drive behind those bags that makes me want to put myself through all that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't know what a person has gone through to make them who they are. Those of you who have known me a long time, know a lot about why I am the way I am and why I make the decisions I make, and if you don't, then ask don't just assume. We need to realize that what we see on the surface is a fraction of who a person is or who they can become. So just stop judging. If a person drops the f-bomb all the time, that doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes them slightly less socially acceptable in mixed company. If a person is a little overweight, that doesn't make them a bad person or mean they deserve to have you make them feel uncomfortable, it just means that their body is different than yours. So yes, I cuss a lot, I'll never be a size 2, or hell even a size 10 probably, I'm picky and aggressive and driven, but I'm also incredibly giving, social with people I enjoy and a damn good time to be around.

Society makes it hard enough for us to live comfortably in our own skins, lets not make it any harder for eachother. Especially as women. We're bombarded with images of what society expects a woman to look like and guess what? She's not real. I have yet to meet a real woman who meets that kind of criteria, so any of you men reading this, just give it a rest already.

We're all imperfect, so lets just embrace each others imperfections, even if they annoy the shit out of us because I'll be the first to admit that I totally get annoyed and frustrated, but that doesn't give me the right to make that person feel bad about themselves (unless they're making me feel bad about MYSELF, because then it's just on, I'm all about self preservation!).

And society? Go fuck yourself with your ridiculous standards, I'm operating on my own and I don't give a shit if you agree.

3 comments:

Denise said...

Anna, I love you. I love you for everything that you are. You are funny (hilarious, actually), caring, and loyal. I love that you posted this and I totally back you on everything you said. Society can bite me with their wanting me to be anorexic. It's not gunna happen. I'm going to the gym now, yes. But it's not so I can work out every day for 14 hours so I can someday be a size 4. I'm doing it to be healthy. Whatever happened to people just wanting to be healthy??? Whether they're a size 4 or a size 14. People need to stop focusing on what society wants us to look like, and focus on what's healthy for our body types and what we want our bodies to look like. I love you. :)

Nads said...

I love you.

Katie said...

You and me? Need to have a phone date this weekend.

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